Overcoming Shyness: Tips and Strategies

Number One: Isolate Your Failures

When you're feeling anxious, you might experience something called a negative snowball. A negative snowball is when one little mistake turns into an avalanche of failures. During a snowball, it feels like you're running into problem after a problem, like nothing ever goes the way you plan. Many people who are shy experience these downward spirals on a regular basis.

But every mistake doesn't have to snowball into a string of failures. In fact, avoiding a snowball is a great way to overcome your shyness. Instead of letting those issues build on top of each other, focus on isolating each mistake or awkward moment right after it happens. Let's say, for example, that you call someone by the wrong name. Oops, that's incredibly embarrassing, right?

In this situation, most shy people would panic. They get even more nervous and start backtracking and feel extra guilty. In other words, that one slip-up would completely ruin the conversation. But if you want to stop being shy, you have to forgive yourself for making mistakes because they happen to everyone. The best thing you can do is apologize, laugh it off, and try to get yourself back on track. As embarrassing as it was, that one mistake shouldn't dictate your entire interaction. Once you get in the habit of isolating these mistakes, you'll realize it's okay to fail. You don't have to be flawless in social situations. It may feel like the stakes are higher, like everyone's watching you, but no one's expecting perfection, so you shouldn't either.

Number Two: Find Patient Friends

Not everyone needs you to be vocal and outgoing. In fact, there are plenty of people who like others that are shy or quiet. They understand what it's like to feel uncomfortable in social situations because they might feel uncomfortable themselves.

These are the kinds of friendships that will help you get out of your comfort zone and feel more confident because they're patient and empathetic enough to know when you're doing your best. Unfortunately, many shy people have a habit of choosing the wrong friends. They seek out people who are especially extroverted, hoping that their charm will rub off on them.

Some shy people think that being forced into an outgoing mindset will change them for the better, but that's not really how it works. If you get thrown into the deep end, your shyness might actually get worse, and that may damage your friendships. Your friends might turn against you when they realize you don't like the same things. This is especially common with younger, newer friends who are less forgiving or patient with your shy tendencies. Instead of giving you a break, they might make you the target of jokes or talk about you behind your back. Either way, the connection between you will slowly fall apart because you have two completely different ideas of what it means to be social or have fun.

Number Three: Imaginary Rejection

If you're shy or antisocial, how do you feel after stepping out of your comfort zone? After meeting new people, you might sit at home worrying about what people thought of you. You think back on everything they said and everything they did, and even if nothing bad happened, you feel self-conscious and rejected.

So did people actually dislike you, or is it all in your head? More often than not, you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you may have made a great impression on everyone you talked to. But if that's true, why do you still feel rejected?

Well, those negative feelings may be coming from somewhere else: your own brain. Any time you come out of your shell, it's gonna feel like everyone's out to get you, like everything you do is wrong and you're constantly out of place. But chances are, that rejection is all in your head. So the next time you're feeling discouraged, ask yourself if anything bad actually happened, because most of the time, you've got nothing to worry about.

Number Four: Let Go of the Reins

Losing control is one of the scariest things for someone who's socially anxious. They automatically assume any awkward silence or miscommunication is their own fault. The moment the conversation gets weird, they blame themselves and they start beating themselves up about it, even if it wasn't at all their fault.

Shy people assume they did something wrong, but most of the time it's out of your control. It's important to remember how many other factors are involved in a simple conversation. For starters, you've got at least one whole other person. They have their own baggage, stress, and anxieties that could create problems just like yours.

Next, you've got the environment, which can help your conversation just as easily as it can hurt it. Okay, let's say you're trying to get to know someone you just met. Would that conversation be easier at a quiet coffee shop or in the middle of a crowded restaurant? Obviously, the coffee shop will be more comfortable. The restaurant would be too loud and chaotic, causing all kinds of problems that have nothing to do with you.

Finally, you have to think about the context. If you're talking to someone who just got fired, they're gonna be in a bad mood and may not feel like socializing, so that conversation might go south right off the bat. But once again, that failure would be completely out of your control. My point here is you can't control everything that happens in a conversation, so don't hold yourself accountable for every little failure. Social interactions are incredibly complicated, so take some of that weight off your shoulders.

Number Five: The Unspoken Language

If you're shy or antisocial, your body language might be pushing people away. Whenever you get nervous, you may try to hide your anxiety, so you pay special attention to your voice and you moderate the things you say. The problem is, you're so worried about what's coming out of your mouth that you're ignoring the rest of your body. Even if you try as hard as you can to sound confident, your body may be telling a different story.

But if you use powerful body language, many people will assume your body matches your brain. In other words, confident posture and eye contact may convince people that you really are as calm and self-assured as you look. Why? Because people read you with their eyes way before listening with their ears. That's why a small change in your body language can transform the tone of your speech.

Alright, imagine for example you're telling a story about traveling overseas. That story will be a lot more interesting if you open up your body. Things like animating your hands and making eye contact will welcome people into your story while also keeping them engaged from beginning to end. Even though you're telling the same story, confident body language will change how other people react. So don't spend all your time thinking about the things you say because this unspoken language communicates a much stronger message.

Number Six: Express Your Ideas

Speaking up is a challenge when you're shy or antisocial. It might feel like none of your opinions are worth saying. You might be nervous that people are going to criticize your ideas. Once you start doubting yourself, doesn't it feel easier to stay silent, to let those negative emotions stop you from ever opening your mouth?

But if you're trying to overcome your shyness, you have to practice expressing your ideas. You can start with something simple. If your friend states their opinion, just tell them whether you agree or disagree. The point isn't to blow them away with some profound answer. All you need to do is say yes or no and maybe give a little reason why because people want to hear your ideas. People want you to express yourself. Hey, you may not realize it, but your opinions are as valuable as anyone else's.

Number Seven: Expect the Average

When you meet someone for the very first time, it's probably gonna be a little awkward. I mean, after all, you know nothing about each other. You're complete strangers, so a few awkward pauses are totally normal. Even the most outgoing people in the world feel awkward at first. But you might imagine something different in your head. You might picture that first interaction going perfectly.

You hit it off right away. You find things in common and you get each other's sense of humor, and just like that, you're calm and comfortable. But this is extremely rare. Most people don't hit it off that quickly. That kind of bond can take a really long time to develop, sometimes months or even years. So don't set the bar so high. It's also important to think about what other people expect from you because you're probably overestimating their expectations.

The truth is most people are only expecting an average conversation. They'll smile a few times, they'll talk about a couple of interesting subjects, maybe they'll get a laugh from the conversation, and that's it. You don't need to impress them or make them laugh so hard their stomach hurts. All you need to do is meet the average. If you can do that, the other person will walk away thinking, "They were nice" or "That was interesting," and that's a big success. So don't put all this unnecessary pressure on yourself to blow people away or become best friends right away. Your first interaction doesn't need to be amazing. Just take my word for it; there's nothing wrong with an average conversation.

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