Toxic Friendships: Recognizing the Signs

Number One: Selfish Inflexibility

Does your friend take an interest in your life or is your friendship all about them? Selfish behavior is a very common sign of toxicity. Every friendship should be an equal playing field. Sometimes you take an interest in them, you ask questions about their life, and you bond over their talents and hobbies. But your friends should give you the same treatment. They should take an interest in you, ask questions about you, and make an effort to learn about the things you like. But toxic friends only care about themselves.

Alright, let's say your friend loves to go camping. You know they love to camp, so the two of you go together frequently. Now, even though the outdoors isn't really your thing, you know how much it means to your friend, so you find ways to enjoy the experience. But one weekend, instead of going camping, you want to do something you love. You love going to the beach. Maybe there's a movie you're dying to see. Either way, you tell your friend about how excited you are, but they tell you to go alone. In other words, they're not willing to compromise their own time to do something you like.

Even though you take an interest in their hobbies, they don't take an interest in yours. Now, if this sounds familiar, your friend may be more selfish than you realize. They're only thinking about themselves, and they don't treat you like an equal part of your friendship. But you deserve to be treated better, so don't settle for this kind of toxic dynamic.

Number Two: Embarrassing Blackmail

Has your friend ever threatened you? Have they held an embarrassing secret over your head? This is a tell-tale sign that someone is toxic. A friendship should foster faith and trust. When you tell your friends something, they should protect your secret. You should never worry that your friend will use that information against you. But toxic friends do.

Alright, let's say you had an embarrassing moment last night. You did and said some things you're going to regret, but you trust your friend will keep your secrets. Now, of course, your trust is immediately broken. It turns out your friend took a video of you. You tell your friend to get rid of it, but they say they won't unless you do them a favor. And when you say no, they threaten to send that video to all your friends.

This is how toxic people manipulate their friends. They create trust, wait for them to let their guard down, then abuse that vulnerability to satisfy their own agenda. Friends should never blackmail their friends. If you know someone who does this, they're probably toxic.

Number Three: Vampiric Negativity

Is your friend constantly negative? Is every word they say sad or angry? These people are often called spiritual vampires because they suck the energy out of every situation. No matter where you are—at home, at a restaurant, or at a holiday party—spiritual vampires bring the entire room down.

Just imagine you're having a funny conversation with a group of people. You're all telling funny stories when suddenly one person starts complaining about their own problems. A light-hearted conversation quickly devolves into an awkward rant, and just like that, one comment can ruin the conversation for everyone.

This is how spiritual vampires take their toll. Most people approach topics with a fun and playful attitude, but vampires are searching for ways to make it about their own negativity. They want to bring everyone down, so they tank every conversation they're a part of. If you know someone who's constantly negative, don't let them suck the energy out of your life.

Consequences of Vampiric Negativity

Number Four: Constant Judgment

Does your friend criticize everyone? If your friend is toxic, they may be judgmental too. Toxic people are notorious gossips. They spend way too much of their time criticizing other people, especially their friends. Just imagine someone in your friend group gets a big promotion at work—let's call them Robert. Everyone in your group is excited for Robert, so you all celebrate over a nice dinner.

As soon as dinner is over, a toxic person may criticize Robert. They'll attack little things like the way Robert was dressed or try to undermine Robert's accomplishments. Why? Well, because toxic people get jealous of their friend's success and rarely realize how their actions are affecting others. Instead, they think only about ways to boost their own egos.

At dinner, your toxic friend didn't feel good about themselves. They may have felt inferior, inadequate, or even ignored because that night they weren't the center of attention. They were overshadowed by Robert's achievements, so they made themselves feel better by attacking others. But you don't have to sit idly by. No, if you know someone who judges others, speak up. Defend your friends and confront those toxic people. Sometimes they'll change for the better, but if not, it's time to leave this toxic person behind.

Number Five: Center of the Universe

Is your friend the center of their own universe? You'd be surprised how many people think the world revolves around them. They treat every friend like a butler or a servant. They think every stranger admires them. They insist that they should be given every opportunity, and they're convinced that no one deserves success more than they do.

Not only is this way of thinking delusional, it's incredibly narcissistic. Now, you may notice these narcissistic friends demand everything but give nothing in return. They expect you to be there every time something bad happens. They expect you to have their back no matter what. They expect you to wait on them hand and foot.

Every time you prioritize yourself, a toxic friend may tell you that you're a selfish person or a bad friend. But what happens when you're in trouble? This narcissistic friend is nowhere to be found because they think they're the center of the universe. They think everything revolves around their life, so they can't spare a minute to think about yours. Hey, don't be another planet in this toxic solar system. If your friend demands everything but gives nothing, you're friends with a toxic person.

Narcissistic Behavior Patterns

Number Six: Overstepping Boundaries

No friendship should cross your personal boundaries. You have a right to space, privacy, and limitations. But many toxic friends consider themselves above your boundaries, so they make a habit of crossing them anytime they like. Friends who ignore your boundaries are very common and very toxic.

They think that because of your friendship that they own you, that they don't need to respect your choices, your preferences, or limits. They'll walk all over you because they don't value you as an individual. Here's a common example: let's say you spent the weekend with an old friend. You went on a road trip together. You reminisced about old times and reconnected after a long time apart.

The next day you spend time with a toxic friend of yours. They demand to know every detail about the trip. They want to know what you talked about. They want to know your friend's secrets. They keep pressing you for information even if you tell them not to. They don't listen to you because they don't respect your boundaries, and they don't like that you have a life outside of them. In their mind, you belong to them.

Examples of Boundary Violations

Number Seven: Defensive Arguments

Does your friend control your choices? Do they make you feel defensive or insecure about your own life? This one can be more challenging to see with your own eyes because friends should be honest with each other. If your friend is worried about a decision you're making, they may disagree to protect your well-being. A good friend will stand up and tell you that something's wrong, but they do so in a way that's respectful of your feelings.

In this way, friends become valuable sources of advice and perspective. You know they have your best interest at heart, so you're not scared of what they're going to say. On the other hand, toxic friends disagree with every decision you make. They don't do it to protect you; they do it to control you. They argue relentlessly about your opinions. They'll shame you for making bad decisions, and that negativity creates insecurity inside of you.

You begin to feel scared of how they'll react. You stop telling them things because you know they're going to disapprove. If you're trapped in this situation, then you're dealing with a toxic person. But make sure your friend is the problem, not your choices. You may know a toxic person who argues with every one of your decisions, but you may feel anxiety around your choices because you know you're making the wrong ones. So how do you tell the difference between a bad friend and a bad decision?

Signs of Controlling Behavior

Just look at the way your friend disagrees with you. If they're worried but respectful, they may be looking out for your well-being. If they're aggressive and argumentative, they're more likely trying to control you.

Additional Resources

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