Understanding Narcissistic Traits
Hero Syndrome
Heroes syndrome narcissists love to tell stories
. Just think about it: when you tell a story, everybody's paying attention to you, and if you tell it well, you'll have your audience eating out of the palm of your hand. So it's no surprise that narcissists can make some of the best storytellers. But no matter what kind of story they're telling, narcissists have what I like to call hero syndrome. They always make themselves the hero of every story.It could be a happy story about finding a lost dog or a tragic story about a sick relative; it really doesn't matter. Narcissists always paint the same picture of themselves: they're always winning, they're never in the wrong, and if anything bad happens, they're always the victims. So don't let a good story fool you. If you know someone who's never been the bad guy, they might be a narcissist.
Stretching the Truth
Back in 1938, a famous psychologist named Hemery discovered the first scale for human narcissism. First, he identified two important parts of a narcissist's personality. Everybody knows they're self-absorbed, they exploit other people, and crave attention. Ah, but there's something else: narcissists are also incredibly sensitive. They can't stand criticism; it makes them feel worthless and small.
Narcissism actually comes from this unique combination of anxiety and self-absorption. That's why narcissists do things like stretching the truth. They emphasize their own importance to get attention and avoid criticism. They're worried about feeling inferior; they're scared of losing their power, so they do everything they can to exaggerate their accomplishments. For example, if a narcissist tries to run a marathon, they'll lie and say they won the whole thing. As long as they get a chance to stand out, narcissists will exaggerate anything they need to.
Social Reclusiveness
Sixty years after Murray's discovery, two researchers noticed a problem. It turns out his scale only works for one kind of narcissist. You see, Murray was right when he said there are two main parts of a narcissistic personality: they're self-absorbed on the outside while anxious on the inside. But this divide goes even deeper.
Psychologists realized that there are actually two completely different kinds of narcissism. The first is called overt or grandiose narcissism. They're the obnoxious, self-centered narcissists that you're probably thinking of. These are the people you'll find stretching the truth and chasing the spotlight. But the second kind does exactly the opposite: they're called coverts or vulnerable narcissists. While their counterparts adore the attention, vulnerable narcissists can't stand it. In fact, many of them hide from society as a whole. They're uncomfortable with socializing because they think everything revolves around them, but not in a good way. They're convinced that everyone wants to shame or criticize them, so they panic whenever they're around other people. So just because someone isn't aggressively looking for attention doesn't mean they're not a narcissist.
Deficits in Agreeableness
So where do grandiose and vulnerable narcissists differ the most? Well, the most obvious place is personality. Have you ever heard of the big five or the five-factor model? Basically, every personality can be broken down into five categories: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Now don't worry if you don't know what each category means; we'll cover the important ones as we go.
Using the big five, a pair of recent studies figured out what traits distinguished narcissists from everybody else and from each other. So what do you think they discovered? Your first guess might have something to do with extraversion. It's true that most narcissists are introverts, even though grandiose narcissists like being the center of attention. They're always focused on themselves. But the biggest difference isn't extraversion; it's agreeableness. Grandiose narcissists have zero interest in getting along with others. They're rarely helpful, and they hate making sacrifices. Instead, they're super competitive, and they're constantly picking fights. So unless they're in charge, grandiose narcissists are a nightmare to deal with. So if you know someone who's always difficult, they might be a narcissist.
Sky-High Neuroticism
What about vulnerable narcissists? Well, they aren't nearly as disagreeable. They usually keep to themselves, but they do stand out in their own way. Vulnerable narcissists score extremely high in neuroticism. That means that they're emotionally volatile; they rarely ever relax, and they get stressed out way too easily.
Imagine working on a project with someone who's overwhelmed the entire time. Even if they're not fighting you every step of the way, neuroticism can be just as frustrating.
Taking Everything Personally
Based on Murray's work, another recent study designed a new questionnaire. It's called the hypersensitivity narcissism scale. The difference is that this one is made specifically for vulnerable narcissists. Since vulnerable narcissism was discovered much later, it hasn't received the same kind of recognition. In fact, it was left out of several versions of the DSM; that's the manual for mental disorders used by psychologists around the world. But this new scale changed everything. It made it much easier to identify and research vulnerable narcissists, and it's one main reason why so many more studies have come out in the last decade.
So how do you measure a vulnerable narcissist? Well, a go-to sign is that they take everything personally. Every comment, every gesture—it all feels like a personal attack, even if it has nothing to do with them. This is one of the most important subjects on the hypersensitivity narcissism scale. It asks questions like, "Do you often interpret the remarks of others in a personal way?" If you strongly agree, there's a good chance you have some narcissistic tendencies.
Controlling Parents
Let's zoom out from the two different types of narcissism. What do we know about narcissism as a whole? Well, researchers have spent years wondering where exactly it comes from. Like psychopathy, its origins are pretty mysterious. But a 2006 study made a breakthrough. They discovered that narcissists don't just share the same personality traits; many of them come from similar families.
It turns out parenting style plays a major role. Most narcissists were raised by really controlling parents. Now, I'm not saying that strict parents automatically make you self-centered, but there is a pretty significant correlation.
Frequent Name-Dropping
We know grandiose narcissists can't resist showing off, but the more successful they are, oh, the worse it gets. Narcissists are especially guilty of name-dropping. Name-dropping is when you go out of your way to mention someone important or famous that you know. Well, you may not actually know them; maybe you just shook their hand one time, like four years ago. But that's not how a narcissist will tell the story. They'll make it sound like every famous person is their best friend.
Why? Well, because they think knowing famous people means that you're cooler, you're more interesting, and higher class. Not to mention, name-dropping makes you the center of attention. So if your friend won't stop talking about all the celebrities they've met, the chances are they're just trying to feed their ego.
Self-Centered Manipulation
Deceit comes naturally to a narcissist. They struggle to feel empathy or concern for anyone but themselves. So if they want something, they don't mind manipulating other people to make it happen. Let's say you get a better grade than your friend on a test. They seem happy for you, but deep down, they're furious. So the next time a test rolls around, they suggest going out the night before. You want to stay home and study, but they convince you to have fun instead.
Hey, they don't care that less studying might affect your grade. In fact, they're counting on it. All they want to do is hurt your performance so they can get the upper hand.
Aggressive Under the Microscope
In general, narcissists hate being analyzed. Some of them have low self-esteem; others have high anxiety. But none of them react well under the microscope. Grandiose narcissists are particularly obvious about it. When you criticize them, they lash out; they throw insults, they start arguments, and they hold grudges that last. Just think about their ego like a banana; the tiniest criticisms will leave them broken and bruised. If you've got someone like this in your life, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
Going with Their Gut
In the mind of a narcissist, no one is more reliable than themselves. Let's say you ask them a hard question. Instead of doing research or asking for help, a narcissist will always go with their gut, and they'll insist that they're right. It doesn't matter if you've got science on your side; narcissists believe so strongly in themselves that they'll ignore anything that you throw at them.
Misdirected Affirmations
Have you ever heard your friend raising their morale? Do they say things like, "I deserve everything" or "I'm destined for success"? Increasing your own self-esteem can be a good thing. Affirmations, for example, have helped thousands of people build confidence and self-discipline. But there's a big difference between telling yourself and telling the world.
Narcissists don't use affirmations to develop self-esteem; they're looking for attention. When they say, "I'm the best-looking person in the room," they expect you to agree, and if you don't, you've probably got some dirty looks coming your way.
You Just Don't Get It
If you know someone who's self-absorbed, you've probably heard this phrase before. When you call them on something, they don't apologize, they don't reconsider; they say something like, "You just don't get it." Narcissists think they're a cut above the rest of us, so much so that normal people can't understand why they do the things they do.
That's why many narcissists strongly identify with celebrities. They see someone who's rich or powerful and think, "They're just like me." Everyone else knows they're not, but good luck trying to convince them otherwise.
Narcissistic Traits Summary
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Hero Syndrome | Always portrays themselves as the hero in stories. |
| Stretching the Truth | Exaggerates achievements to gain attention. |
| Social Reclusiveness | Vulnerable narcissists avoid social situations due to fear of criticism. |
| Deficits in Agreeableness | Grandiose narcissists are competitive and difficult. |
| Sky-High Neuroticism | Vulnerable narcissists are emotionally volatile. |
| Taking Everything Personally | Perceives neutral comments as personal attacks. |
