Building Social Confidence

Number One: A Minute of Courage

How do you muster enough confidence to break out of your comfort zone? Well, the truth is it doesn't take as much confidence as you'd think. All you need to do is change the way that you think about your fears. Look, let's try this: imagine you're standing face-to-face with a new challenge. You pick something that you've never been good at, like introducing yourself to a stranger. Now when you think about facing that fear, what's the first worry that pops into your head? You might be nervous about running out of things to say, or you're scared there will be too many awkward pauses.

My point is you're worried about how the entire conversation is going to play out in your mind. You're not brave enough to fill such a tall order, so you back down and your shyness gets the best of you. But you don't need to worry about the entire conversation. The only part you need to focus on is the very beginning. Getting started is by far the hardest part of any challenge, whether it's starting a project at work or chatting with a stranger.

From the outside, the first step feels like a wall that you'll never climb or a notion that you'll never cross. But if you can summon enough courage to overcome that first intimidating obstacle, you can handle anything. The rest of the conversation will feel like a piece of cake because once you've climbed that wall or crossed that ocean, you'll realize something: all these perilous hurdles that you imagine running into on the other side don't exist. There's nothing there. That's why after taking that very first step, you'll gradually feel more comfortable, your nerves will settle down, and you might even start enjoying yourself.

So if you don't feel confident enough to face up to your fears, hey, don't worry because in reality, you only need one minute of courage. One short burst of confidence to leap over that first hurdle, and if you can survive that very first minute, hey, your shyness will evolve into genuine self-confidence.

Number Two: Shouting from the Rooftops

How often do you apologize for being shy? Imagine you're standing in the hallway talking to a co-worker that you've always admired. You were terrified at first, but now you're starting to settle into the conversation until suddenly there's a long awkward silence. What do you do? Do you immediately blame it on your personality? Do you assume things wouldn't be awkward if you weren't such a shy person? Well, chances are things would have been awkward no matter what. It really doesn't matter if you're the most outgoing person in the world; every interaction will have its highs and its lows.

So you don't need to blame those social missteps on your own inexperience because the only thing you did wrong was assume that somehow it's your fault. Here's an important fact that most shy people don't realize: the rest of the world doesn't know that you're shy. It's more than obvious to you, but to everyone else, hey, you're just average. At worst, someone might think you're a little on the quiet side, but the vast majority of the people you meet won't say or notice a thing—well, unless you tell them.

That's exactly what happens when you blame your shy personality: you're giving yourself a label that other people will use to define and understand you. In other words, something as simple as an apology can completely change a person's perspective of you. It transforms the image they have in their heads, and it leads that person to treat you differently. So each time you label yourself timid or shy, what you're doing is a lot more damage than you think. But that's not even the worst part. Every time you apologize for being shy, you're not just affecting others—no, you're hurting your own self-image.

Over time, you subconsciously adopt this negative vision of yourself, and it becomes harder and harder to see yourself as anything but a shy person. So don't go shouting your shyness from the rooftops. Even if you know you're acting shy, just keep it to yourself. Pretend that you don't know you're a shy person, and more often than not, no one will be able to tell the difference.

Number Three: Lower Your Bar

Social confidence doesn't mean you have to have long, deep conversations with everyone you meet. These types of intense social interactions terrify most shy people, but no one's expecting you to suddenly jump from zero to a hundred. So why do you expect something so impossible from yourself? Just think about how you'd learn a sport like tennis. When you pick up a racquet for the very first time, should you automatically know how to serve across the court? Of course not. You've never even hit a ball before, so why leap ten steps ahead?

You need to practice hitting and swinging before you even think about complicated stuff like direction or power. In other words, if you want to turn your shyness into confidence, you need to lower the bar. Now, to put this idea in context, your very first conversation with a new person should be short, sweet, and simple. Talk about surface-level stuff like work or the weather. It won't be the most exciting conversation in the world, but hey, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with easy, and there's nothing wrong with average.

So you don't need to worry about telling some epic story or dazzling people with your charisma. Just focus on the basics, and you'll be serving in no time.

Number Four: People Watching

Whenever you're feeling socially awkward, just spend a few minutes people watching and pay special attention to their body language. Start with their eyes: where are they looking? Are they confidently making eye contact, or are they staring at the ground or into space? Now, what about the way they're standing? Do they look comfortable, or do they seem like they'd rather be anywhere else? Nine times out of ten, you'll find that almost everyone is feeling just as out of place as you are.

There might be a select minority who loves the attention, and they might feel totally at home, but most of us get nervous, shy, and at least a little bit awkward in social settings. The problem is, unless you stop and take a look around, you might never notice. If you're a shy person, you might automatically assume that you're the only one in the room. You look out into the crowd, you see people talking and laughing, and you assume that you're surrounded by social butterflies. But if you take a closer look, you'll discover just how wrong you really are.

So how does people-watching turn your shyness into confidence? People watching shows you that you're not alone, and that has a major impact on your self-esteem. It makes you feel more normal, more in control. People won't seem nearly as intimidating because you know deep down they're scared of the exact same things that you are.

Number Five: Casual Ownership

Shyness isn't always a secret. Most people won't be able to tell, but occasionally someone will call you out. If someone says, "Hey, you know, you're kind of shy," most shy people get down on themselves. They apologize, and they lose all their confidence. But shyness doesn't have to be something you're ashamed of because you don't have to let your shyness define you. Think about this simple change: instead of calling yourself a shy person, what if you were a person who can be shy?

The two titles mean the same thing, but the second one sounds really different, doesn't it? So the next time someone tells you that you're shy, you don't have to say you're sorry or try to explain yourself. Just say, "Yeah, I guess I am sometimes." Suddenly your shyness doesn't sum up your entire character; it's just a small part of your personality. Because that's exactly what shyness is: it's just a tiny sliver of the well-rounded person that you really are.

Number Six: Discover Your Safety Nets

We all rely on some kind of safety net, some self-soothing routine to make us feel stable and comfortable. If you're at a party, you might hide in the corner of the room or cross your arms over your chest. Some people grab a plate of food and use that like a shield. When you're not feeling brave or confident, you fall back on these safety nets to calm your nerves.

Now, on the surface, having a safety net seems like a good thing, but they're hurting your confidence in the long run. Safety nets are like your behavioral comfort zone. Yeah, you feel safe and strong inside them, but that safety keeps you from coming out of your shell. It stops you from taking risks or expanding your horizons. If you ever hope to develop your confidence, then you can't be afraid to put yourself out there.

Luckily, your safety nets are pretty easy to recognize. You might already know what they are, but in case you don't, here's how you can spot a safety net in action: the next time you're stuck in a situation that stifles your confidence, pay attention to the first thing you want to do. Because your brain is trained to use those nets whenever you're feeling negative, as soon as your shyness kicks into high gear, your brain answers with a safety net like staring at the ground or picking your nails.

Thankfully, there's a way out. Once you recognize what you're doing, you can change your behavior. You can systematically retrain your brain and finally step out of your comfort zone.

Key Takeaways

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