Lessons from a Broken Heart

Number One: The Blind Spots

In the ashes of a broken relationship, you might discover new truths about yourself, which you never would have known otherwise. Now every relationship, whether it's long or short, casual or committed, has blind spots. Some are small and insignificant; maybe you don't notice how messy your partner is or how bad of a dancer they are. But other blind spots are huge, like realizing your partner doesn't trust or respect you. You'd think that you'd spot that kind of problem, but you might not. Here's why: relationships create their own little bubble, and inside that bubble, you may never notice your partner's flaws.

Even if you do, you might pretend they don't bother you. After all, you've gotten used to a certain dynamic between you and your partner. Hey, it's normal. It's comfortable. You don't want to ruin it. But the truth is it isn't doing you any favors. It's actually keeping you from recognizing issues that seem obvious to everyone else. You and your partner might fight all the time, you might be struggling at work because your partner's dragging you down, but in your little bubble, everything still seems fine.

Breakups are often the wake-up call you need. A broken heart pops your relationship bubble and reveals your blind spots. Suddenly, you realize, maybe for the very first time, how many things you don't like about your partner. When you put yourself back out there, those realizations will come in handy. They help you put the past behind you and give you a better idea of what kind of relationship you really want.

Number Two: The Relationship Checklist

Once you've figured out your blind spots, you have the tools to make something called a relationship checklist. These are all the essential things that you want in your next relationship. But keep in mind that I said your next relationship, not your next partner. After a breakup, a lot of people try to make a partner checklist instead. They list out everything they want in their next significant other. They say they want someone smart, funny, and confident, or someone who loves the outdoors. But these partner checklists don't work. In fact, they hurt far more than they help.

No one really knows what kind of person is going to make them happy. You may be looking for one thing and then fall in love with someone who's completely different. Don't try to pick the person you fall for. That's just not something you can control. But you can influence the way you treat each other and what boundaries you have as a couple. That's why relationship checklists are so much more effective.

So, list out everything big and small that you want. Make sure you think back on the lessons that you learned from past relationships. Remember your blind spots and stop yourself from running into those same obstacles. You'd be surprised how many people are continuously unhappy in their relationships, and all because they didn't learn from past mistakes.

Number Three: Carrying Your Weights

How much weight should you carry in your relationship? How do you know when you're doing too much or too little? If you're new to relationships, these can be really scary questions. When you underdo it, you could make your partner feel neglected, but when you overshoot it, they might feel smothered. So where do you draw the line? How do you find the perfect balance?

This is one of the most important lessons that a broken heart teaches you. You need that experience to learn your role in the relationship. It gives you a better idea of what to expect from your partner and what to expect from yourself.

Number Four: The Dangers of Enmeshment

Most people have experienced enmeshment without ever knowing it had a name. It's especially common among young relationships and is often the main reason that they fall apart. So, what is enmeshment? Well, in simple terms, it's the idea that a relationship should be all-encompassing. In other words, when you fall in love with someone, the two of you should merge together into one eternally happy couple.

Now, I'm sure you've heard the concept of "the one" before. Many people believe that there's only one perfect person in the world who you're meant to share everything with. Whether or not that's true, I can't say. But I can say that a lack of boundaries can destroy even the most promising connections. A broken heart teaches you to avoid enmeshment because you probably fell into this trap yourself. It's an immature and unhealthy way of framing your relationships.

Every couple needs things like boundaries, personal space, and external friendships. You need to have a life outside of your partner, no matter how long you've been together. Breakups remind you how important it is to be an individual first and a couple second.

Number Five: Seeing Red

Red flags are a difficult thing to spot if you don't know what you're looking for. Luckily, your past relationships show you how to recognize the signs. Separate these flags into two categories: Universal and specific. Universal flags are always going to hurt your relationships down the road, no matter who you are. Draining your energy, demanding loyalty, and a lack of respect for your space are some of the most common.

On the other hand, specific flags are unique to you as an individual. Maybe you can't stand it when your partner likes to argue or doesn't have a good relationship with their family. A broken heart helps you figure out what your red flags look like, and that way, you can avoid those warning signs down the road.

Number Six: Vocalize Your Grievances

Toward the end of many relationships, people start suppressing their doubts and insecurities. They pretend everything's great in the hopes of keeping their relationships alive. But holding things in will only bring the relationship to a crashing halt. Breakups show you how important it is to be vocal. If something about your partner is making you unhappy, then you have to say something. Otherwise, nothing's ever going to change.

Your partner won't realize what they're doing wrong, and you'll just get angrier and more resentful. That's why next time, you'll give your relationship the chance to solve its problems. You won't worry so much about upsetting your partner or ruining the status quo. You'll express your grievances and then work through those issues as a team.

Number Seven: The Purpose of Patience

A broken heart shows you the dangers of rushing into something that you're not ready for. When you're feeling down and lonely, well, you might jump right into the first relationship you find. But that person might make you miserable. You might get wrapped up in this long-term commitment without considering whether or not it's what you really want. By the time you figure it out, you're already stuck.

Breakups make you a more patient person. You'll be more thoughtful in the future instead of rushing into something that you're not ready for.

Number Eight: Fixing Isn't Your Job

Sometimes we jump into relationships with people who need a bit of work. We think about these "fixer-uppers" as diamonds in the rough. They have a lot of potential, but you have to grind away their rough edges. The problem is people rarely change. You want to believe your partner's going to get better. You want to believe their bad habits are only temporary. But most of the time, you're wishing for a version of your partner that's never going to exist.

You're putting all this time and effort into changing them without realizing that fixing someone isn't your job. You shouldn't enter a relationship with the intention of remodeling your partner. There's a big difference between that and developing habits as a couple. It's okay to mutually change each other over time, but this kind of change happens naturally as you grow closer, and it's not because you hate certain things about them.

Of course, this lesson takes time and experience to learn. You have to fail at it before you realize how futile fixing really is.

Number Nine: The Value of Trust

Trust is a valuable thing, but in the midst of a relationship, you get used to it. It seems normal for someone to confide in you, just like it seems normal for you to confide in them. It doesn't seem like a rare privilege to open up and be honest with someone, but it is. Unfortunately, you might have to lose that trust before you really understand its value.

A broken heart shows you what it means to trust and be trusted. It teaches you to foster more faithful relationships and motivates you to treat people's confidence with the respect that it deserves.

Number Ten: Love Outside of Love

When a relationship is coming to an end, people panic about losing all the love in their life. They think that they'll feel empty without their partner, that they'll be lonely and forgotten. But experiencing a broken heart opens your eyes to the love you take for granted, just because it's not romantic doesn't mean it isn't there. Think about the friends who trust and support you. Think about the family members that treasure you. And most importantly, think about the love that you have for yourself.

These realizations serve an important purpose. Many people rely solely on their partner for every bit of support and affection. While couples should be close, your partner can't do all the heavy lifting. You need to rely on your support system, too—and that includes yourself. Breakups are terrible, but they teach you how to better navigate the love in your life.

Summary Table

Key Lesson	Description
Blind Spots	Recognize hidden issues in relationships.
Relationship Checklist	Create a list of relationship goals, not partner traits.
Carrying Your Weights	Balance efforts and expectations in relationships.
Enmeshment	Avoid losing personal identity in relationships.
Seeing Red	Identify universal and personal red flags.
Vocalizing Grievances	Communicate issues effectively to solve problems.
Purpose of Patience	Take time to ensure compatibility and readiness.
Fixing Isn't Your Job	Accept partners as they are without trying to change them.
Value of Trust	Appreciate and nurture trust in relationships.
Love Outside of Love	Value love from friends, family, and self.

Further Reading

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