Signs You're Dealing with a Sociopath
1. Polarizing Language
The language of a sociopath can be a giveaway. Sociopaths talk a little differently than most people. They flip-flop between polarizing extremes. One moment they're positive and supportive; they compliment you to the ends of the earth. They boost your confidence and ask for your trust. But the tables may quickly turn. Before you know it, the same sociopath is tearing you apart. They're insulting your character, capitalizing on your vulnerabilities, and blaming you for everything they can. This extreme language is a huge red flag. Most people can be positive and negative, but no one flip-flops as often or as intensely as a sociopath.
Why is that? Well, because sociopaths don't mean the things they say. Their compliments are shallow and their insults are calculated. They say the things that they say to control you, to manipulate you. So, if you're easily charmed, a sociopath will be a close and charismatic friend. If you're easily intimidated, they'll be a monster that never leaves you alone. Whether your friendship is a dream or a nightmare, just pay attention to any polarizing language, because you might be dealing with a sociopath.
2. Forced Gratitude
Gratitude is a dangerous weapon in the hands of a sociopath. They use gratitude to trap their friends in bad relationships. They use it to push uncomfortable favors and unnecessary risks. Just take this situation: your friend wants a ride to the airport this weekend, but you have plans, so you turn them down. Instead of respecting your space, your friend says this: "You should be grateful I'm friends with you at all. Think about everything I've done for you. You owe me." They use gratitude to threaten and manipulate you. They act like they are the best thing in your life. They treat you as a powerless individual, inferior and desperate. But that's not true. The truth is they're trying to take advantage of you. They're leveraging your friendship against you. Normal people don't manipulate their friends. If you know someone who does, they may be a sociopath.
3. Proximal Fear
Does your friend make you feel happy, or do you feel worse about yourself? When spending time with friends, you should feel happy, safe, and comfortable. Your stress should melt away, your mood should brighten, and your self-esteem should climb higher. Yet, some friends create tension and negativity in your life. On rare occasions, you may even feel scared of them.
If you feel fear around your friend, they could be a sociopath. You may not be able to pinpoint a specific sign. You can't remember any language or behaviors, but your instincts tell you that something isn't right. Those instincts may be all the evidence you need. Chances are your brain has picked up tiny threatening signs from this person. They're too small to remember on their own, but together they project an aura of fear and intimidation. Don't pretend this tension is all in your head. If this person wasn't scary, they wouldn't scare you. It's as simple as that. While fear doesn't prove that someone is a sociopath, it proves that something isn't quite right, and that's a good reason to be skeptical.
4. Unorthodox Behavior
Does your friend do strange things? How often do you think, "I would never do anything like that"? Most of the time, sociopaths blend seamlessly into the world around them. They keep a firm grasp on their social circle, but every once in a while they make mistakes, and those mistakes can leave you wondering.
| Situation | Question to Ask |
|---|---|
| Friend erupts in anger | Was that an appropriate reaction? |
| Strange behavior observed | Would 90% of people act this way? |
To identify these mistakes, use the ninety percent rule. The ninety percent rule is simple: when you notice something strange, just ask yourself, "Would ninety percent of people do something similar?" Let's try an example: one day, you ask your friend for a small favor. You expect a simple yes or no answer, but instead, they erupt like a volcano. They scream in your face, they attack your character, they may even get physical. In the aftermath, you think to yourself, "Was that an appropriate reaction? Would I ever react that way?" This behavior fails the 90% rule. A sociopath will try to excuse their extreme behavior. They'll say things like, "I was just tired," or "work has been stressful lately," but those excuses only work so many times. If they continue acting strangely, then your friend could be a sociopath.
5. Targets of Blame
Sociopaths are pretty selective. They don't manipulate everyone they meet. Instead, they carefully select one or two victims who they manipulate over and over again. These people are called targets of blame. A target isn't chosen at random. A sociopath picks a target who they feel superior to. They may be wealthier than their target, stronger than them, better looking than them. For some reason, the sociopath feels powerful around this person. That power, in their eyes, justifies their cruelty. They think they have a right to bully this person in any way they please.
But why do sociopaths enjoy hurting others? That suffering gives them a sense of satisfaction. Sociopaths feel the most confident in themselves when other people are suffering. If you're dealing with a sociopath, don't give up. You can handle a sociopath without making the problem worse. Most people do one of two things: they either surrender or they fight back. Both of these solutions can worsen the issue. Sociopaths want to get an emotional reaction out of you. That's how they know they have power over you. Whether that reaction is sadness or anger, a sociopath feels like they're winning. So don't react. Tune out their comments and focus on yourself. If you stay calm, a sociopath will feel powerless and give up.
6. Intentional Tardiness
Are you chronically tardy? You seem to oversleep every morning. You're always running a few minutes behind. You're always rushing and frazzled everywhere you go. It's a bad habit, but most of the time it's normal. Tardy people know that their lateness affects others. If you're always late, you feel bad about making people wait. You apologize and you swear to do better the next time, even if you don't. Sociopaths, on the other hand, choose to be late. They like to make people wait for them. They intentionally waste people's time. In their mind, tardiness is a power grab. The person who shows up first is the person who holds the least power.
So how do you tell the difference between accidental and intentional tardiness? Well, accidental tardiness is rushed and apologetic. You can tell this person tried to get there as quickly as they could. But when a sociopath is intentionally late, they're calm and casual. They act like nothing is wrong because they got what they wanted.
7. Deceptive Identities
Do you know someone who uses fake names? Maybe they tell stories about lives they never lived. Many sociopaths diffuse their identities. They enjoy lying to other people. To a sociopath, it's fun and thrilling. So they frequently deceive people about the smallest things.
A sociopath may talk about a trip that they never took. They tell stories about extraordinary experiences, like skydiving or mountain climbing, and most of the time, people eat these stories right up. But what happens if you call out a sociopath? A sociopath doesn't feel guilty for lying, so they won't apologize or take the blame. Instead, they'll add more lies, building a more complex web of deceit. If that doesn't work, they'll turn the conversation on you. They'll accuse you of doing something wrong. They'll make you feel like the bad guy, even if they're lying through their teeth.
8. Destructive Risks
Sociopaths love to take risks, but they rarely risk their own resources. Instead, they take advantage of the people around them. They'll freely risk your time, your money, or your safety, even though they aren't willing to risk their own. Alright, let's say your friend wants to invest in a risky business venture, but they want to use your money. They're not willing to put their own money on the line. That's because your money, to a sociopath, carries much less value. So they have no problem throwing yours down the drain. If you know someone who doesn't respect your resources, they could be a sociopath.
9. Manipulative Jobs
Sociopaths can succeed in a variety of careers, but some fields have more sociopaths than others. These career paths are typically challenging and social. In these fields, you're put in a position of control, and that's where every sociopath wants to be. So what fields attract the most sociopaths? The big three are politics, sales, and law. In these positions, manipulation and deceit can work in your favor. But there are many other fields where a sociopath shines. The medical field, for example, is one where sociopaths might thrive. Doctors have a lot of power. Sometimes they're the gatekeepers between life and death. To a sociopath, that amount of power is a huge draw.
10. Malicious Grudges
Does your friend insist on getting revenge when something goes wrong? Do they hold a grudge? Grudges are a very common sign of a sociopath. A sociopath will stew on any mistakes and wrongdoings. They aren't willing to forgive and forget. Instead, they want to get even. So why is revenge so important to a sociopath? It's all about the power.
If someone wrongs a sociopath, they feel personally insulted. They feel like the balance of power has shifted. So they carry out their revenge to steal that power for themselves. Revenge, in the mind of a sociopath, is not quick and harmless. It's elaborate, cruel, and humiliating. The sociopath wants the other person to suffer even more than they did. So nothing is off the table. They may sabotage their career, they may embarrass them in public. To a sociopath, revenge is more than justified; it's necessary.
Conclusion
If you suspect someone you know is a sociopath, it's important to take steps to protect yourself. Recognizing these signs can help you understand the dynamics of your relationship and decide how best to proceed.
