Understanding Relationship Dynamics

All relationships have rough patches. You and your partner may not see eye to eye. You may wonder if they're a good fit for you. On days like these, you may analyze the relationship. You may think about breaking up. But these ups and downs are normal, even for the strongest couples.

Healthy relationships are like rolling hills. You go through ups and downs, little highs, and little lows, but for the most part, you're happy together. Toxic relationships, on the other hand, are like mountains and valleys. One minute you're soaring on a cloud, and the next, you're crying into your pillow, wishing your relationship would just end.

Yo-Yo Relationships

These are called yo-yo relationships. They never find a stable rhythm or dynamic. They're driven by impulsive and emotional decisions. One minute you're blinded by love, and the next, you're blinded by anger and frustration. If you're in a yo-yo relationship, take a hard look at your partner. Why do you keep breaking up with them? Are you separating for the same reasons every single time?

If your relationship is all mountains and valleys, there may be underlying problems. So, the next time you break up, you may need to stay that way.

The Sinking Ship

How do you feel about yourself when your partner's around? In a healthy relationship, partners bring out the best in each other. They empower each other's strengths and support each other's weaknesses. They root for each other's success and push them toward happiness.

But what if your partner brings you down? What if they bring out all your worst habits? You may love your partner as a person, but your relationship may damage your ambitions, habits, or self-esteem. Let's say your partner is a huge procrastinator. Each time you're working on a project, they encourage you to slack off with them.

In other words, your partner is a sinking ship, and they're pulling you down with them. Sometimes problems like these are easy to solve. You just tell your partner how much your work or habits mean to you, and they may change for the better. But some relationships just aren't motivating or uplifting. Your partner may not bring out the best in you, and if that's the case, you may have outgrown the relationship. It may be time to move on.

The Growing Gap

Has it gotten harder to talk to your partner? Your lives may be intertwined, yet you feel an emotional gap between you. In the past, you shared each other's passions and interests. You got intimately involved in your partner's life, like they did in yours. You have so many fond memories of the two of you together, but you've stopped making new ones.

Nowadays, catching up feels like a chore. You may feel like you have to tiptoe around your partner. That discomfort quickly creates distrust, disconnection, and neglect. If this sounds familiar, it may be time to end your relationship. It's never healthy for couples to rely on the past. You should not use old memories as a crutch to maintain a lasting relationship. You should be making new memories together. You should find ways to connect emotionally and close the rift between you.

If you tried and failed, you and your partner may have grown apart. Your lives may have moved in different directions. Your relationship may have been perfect in the past, but it's not a good fit for the future.

Living on the Edge

How often do you think about breaking up with your partner? Once a month? Once a week? Maybe you think about breaking up every day, but you hold yourself back. Why? Because you don't know if you're making the right decision. But there's a reason you think about breaking up so often.

Maybe you're waiting for your partner to change. Maybe you're hoping that the relationship will get better tomorrow. Chances are those things aren't going to happen. You shouldn't stay with your partner if you don't love who they currently are. Just ask yourself, do I want to be with this exact person for the next month or even the next year? If the answer's no, then your relationship may be on its last leg.

The Big Division

Where do you see yourself in five years? Do you want to settle down? Do you want to travel the world? Do you want to flourish in your career? All of us know, loosely, where our lives are headed. Along the way, things may change. You'll discover new opportunities that shift your thinking. You'll meet new people and experience things you never thought you would.

But throughout all of these changes, your major values will stay the same. If your relationship is going to last, you and your partner need to walk the same path. Let's say your partner dreams of a big family, but you see yourself investing in your career. You and your partner may have different visions of the future. Your relationship may work now, but your future is divided.

So, if you and your partner have different values, you're not necessarily doomed, but different values present a huge hurdle. One of you may be forced to compromise your dreams, and that will only create unhappiness in the future.

The Eye Test

Not every sign is a big one. Sometimes small changes can tell you when a relationship is on its way out. Many crumbling couples, for example, struggle to look into each other's eyes. Eye contact is a hallmark of a loving relationship. When your relationship is strong and healthy, you and your partner get lost in each other's eyes. You're comfortable and confident around your partner. You trust them enough to be vulnerable and expose your true self.

But over time, you may close yourself off. You may build up your walls back up and hide behind them. So how do you know if this has happened to you? Simply look into your partner's eyes. Keep looking for at least five seconds. How does it feel? Do you want to look away? Do you feel nervous and uncomfortable?

Many couples, even after a long relationship, barely look into each other's eyes. They're not vulnerable with each other anymore. Couples fail the eye test because they've closed themselves off.

Hijacking the Relationship

In the beginning, you and your partner may have clicked in every way, but your partner gradually became toxic, and your relationship changed. Toxic people use their partners to satisfy a deeper need for control or power. Instead of caring about you or the relationship, they hijack the situation to satisfy themselves.

Naturally, this takes a huge emotional toll on you. You may feel guilty more often than you feel happy. You may try to please them constantly, only to be criticized. Slowly but surely, the focus of the relationship has drifted. It's no longer about you two together; it's just about them. If your partner has hijacked your relationship, it's time to let them go.

Dispensable Partners

Your partner should not give your life meaning. In a healthy relationship, partners are strong individuals who create mutual love without growing dependent on each other. But here's the catch: partners, especially male partners, want to feel needed. They want to play an essential role in their partner's life. When they feel essential, they feel important, valued, and loved.

Think about whether or not your partner is essential to you. Then think about whether you are essential to your partner. Sometimes this issue is easy to fix. Partners may find ways to show each other how important they are. But if your partner refuses to make a place for you in their life, you may need to break up.

Avoiding Family

Has your partner introduced you to their friends? What about their family? In the beginning of a relationship, partners feel unsure about each other. You don't want to involve your loved ones because you don't know how committed you are to this person. But as the relationship grows, loving couples weave their partners into their lives. They introduce them to friends and family because they want to create a future together.

But what if your partner is hiding you from their loved ones? If you're in a long-term relationship, your partner may be unsure about you. They're doubtful of their commitment to you, or maybe they feel ashamed of your relationship. Either way, partners should not hide each other from their loved ones. If this sounds like your relationship, you may be better off broken up.

Defensive Blaming

If your partner is mean to you, then you should exit the relationship. But what if you're the one who's cruel and critical? What if you're putting your partner down? No matter who's insulting who, the verdict is often the same. Criticism is usually a defensive reaction. You know that your relationship has issues, and you know you play a big role in those issues, but you're unwilling to accept the blame. So you defend yourself by criticizing your partner.

Let's say you and your partner have been fighting a lot. You criticize your partner, saying they're always in a bad mood, but it's actually the opposite. You're the one who's always in a bad mood. In other words, you're projecting your insecurities onto your partner. If this is happening, the best thing you can do is break up.

Table of Relationship Red Flags

Red Flag	Description
Yo-Yo Relationships	Constant ups and downs, driven by impulsive decisions.
Sinking Ship	Partner brings you down and affects your ambitions.
Growing Gap	Emotional distance despite intertwined lives.
Living on the Edge	Frequent thoughts of breaking up.
Big Division	Different visions of the future.
Eye Test	Struggle to maintain eye contact.
Hijacking the Relationship	Toxic control and focus on one partner.
Dispensable Partners	Feeling non-essential in each other's lives.
Avoiding Family	Not introducing partner to loved ones.
Defensive Blaming	Criticism as a defensive reaction.

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