Personal Skewing and Other Habits
Number One: Personal Skewing
Do you take everything personally? This bad habit causes all kinds of problems.
It creates anger and insecurity. It convinces you that the world is your enemy, but here's the truth: most things have nothing to do with you.
If an insult flies your way, if someone cuts you off in traffic, if a stranger slams a door in your face—hey, it's not about you; it's about them. We're so wrapped up in our own thoughts we take everything personally.
If something happens, we assume we're the root cause, but most people are equally preoccupied with their own lives. They've got their own thoughts and problems, and chances are, you're the last thing on their mind.
Even if they are thinking about you, it's clouded by a thousand other issues. They may criticize you because they're insecure about themselves. They may honk at you because they've had a bad day. It's not because you're driving too slowly; it only feels personal because you made it personal.
In a sense, you're offending yourself. So just stop taking things personally. When something bad happens, remember, it's not about you.
The Puppet Master
Has someone ever tried to control your life? How did that make you feel? No one likes to be manipulated.
You expect other people to mind their own business, but do you hold yourself to the same standard? This bad habit doesn't affect everyone, but those who do it, do it often.
You try to control the people around you. You get involved in their relationships, you influence their decisions, you use guilt and shame to push your own agenda.
It may seem like you're getting your way, but you're doing more damage than you think. For starters, you're hurting your relationships. You're secretly manipulating the people that you care about, and that may shatter the trust they have in you.
To make matters worse, you're hurting your relationship with yourself. You're so concentrated on other people's problems that you start neglecting your own.
So leave this bad habit behind. People can manage their own lives, and if they fail, let them fail on their own terms. If someone comes to you for advice, well, that's different. They're asking for help, so feel free to express your opinion, but don't be a puppet master. Let people make their own choices while you focus on your own.
Number Two: Emotional Explosions
Do you lose control when you're angry? Many people do. Their anger clouds their judgments, and their emotions explode outward. They yell; they get violent, but when the dust finally settles, they look back with regret.
So save yourself from this frustration and disappointment. Don't let your anger get the best of you. The next time something sets you off, keep your mouth shut. Before you can say anything, just leave the room, take three deep breaths, and think.
Think about what you're feeling. Think about what it's worth. Think about the best way to handle the situation. Just 10 brief seconds can stop you from making a terrible mistake. And with a little practice, you could save yourself from a lifetime of regret.
Number Three: Blinding Comparisons
You see an attractive person walking down the street. As they pass, you think to yourself, their life must be so much easier. This bad habit can get you in a lot of trouble.
There are many reasons why these comments are destructive, but it really comes down to two big issues. First, you're oversimplifying the meaning of success.
You're assuming that one trait would solve all of your problems. Since you don't have that one trait, you're letting yourself off the hook. It's no different than making an excuse. You're blaming your problems on something that you can't control.
You're assuming that life is easier for them because they have something that you don't. Ultimately, you're undermining their success and making excuses for your failures.
Highlighting Weaknesses
When you idealize a single trait, you highlight your weaknesses, and you ignore all of your strengths. You may be intelligent, hard-working, and ambitious. You may have a great sense of humor or personal style that makes you unique.
Yeah, you may not be as good-looking as someone else, but you are a combination of pros and cons, just like everyone else. So don't waste your time wishing for something that you can't have.
Instead, lean into the gifts that you do have. Those gifts will carry you toward a happy and fulfilling life.
Number Four: The Dream Life
Do you dream of being productive? Let's say you have a big project due at the end of the week. You daydream about how great the end product is going to be, but you spend so much time dreaming about it that you don't actually accomplish anything.
Many people make this mistake throughout their lives. They have big dreams, they fantasize about their success, but they never step toward their ambitions in real life. It feels too challenging, too intimidating, or too confusing.
You say, "I wouldn't even know where to start," so you never do. Every dream requires a lot of hard work. If you don't have the passion to follow through, then dream about something else. Dream about something you want to accomplish and then make that dream a reality.
Number Five: Destructive Models
Who are your role models? Why do you look up to them? Many people choose role models for the wrong reasons. They admire people for their power, wealth, or beauty. They envy the life their role model lives, but they pay no attention to their work, their passion, and their sacrifices.
Don't choose a role model out of jealousy. Don't choose someone whose life you want to live. A role model should inspire and motivate you. You should follow in their footsteps because their work lights a fire within you.
So think carefully about your role models and reflect on why those people inspire you, if at all. The right role models can put you on the path towards success. The wrong ones can leave you standing in place.
Number Six: Breaking the Bank
How often do you buy something new? Shopping is one of the most common bad habits. Almost everyone enjoys buying new things. There are so many exciting products in the world today. Things to make our lives easier, things to display who we are, things that make life more fun.
But this bad habit creates a destructive craving—a craving for the next best thing. Think about the last time you bought something new. You may have been excited for a couple of days, but then the excitement sort of faded, and you started searching for something bigger and better.
If you feed this craving, it just gets stronger. So change your relationship with shopping. Don't buy new things whenever you feel like it. Use shopping as a reward for your hard work. It's okay to treat yourself every once in a while, but make sure you're earning those rewards and not shopping for the sake of shopping.
Number Seven: Flying Overboard
Can you work too hard? Some jobs are not worth hours and hours of your time. Some projects don't require days, weeks, or months. When you work too long or too hard, you're doing more damage than you realize.
There's a big difference between commitment and over-commitment. Let's say you're creating a schedule. A committed person double-checks their work, they make sure they got everything, and then they move on.
An over-committed person checks again and again and again. They're so worried they missed something that they never get anything done. So work hard, give it your all, and then call it quits.
Because the longer you drag a project out, the more likely you are to overthink. You'll commit too much time, you'll second guess your decisions, and you'll unravel all the progress that you made.
You should quit while you're ahead. If you know this is a problem for you, then set boundaries to keep you in line. Give yourself a time limit or create an artificial deadline, and that way you can try your hardest without going overboard.
Number Eight: Toxic Patterns
How do you manage your anxious thoughts? Do you let them swirl inside your head? Negative thoughts can stick around for hours, days, or even longer. You may stuff them down, hoping they'll disappear on their own, but they won't.
Instead, your brain will keep running in circles, and those toxic patterns will ruin your life. You might stay up for hours at night on your phone because you have difficulty managing these thoughts. Nighttime phone addiction can be a toxic pattern that wastes hours of each day, all so you can distract yourself from certain thought patterns.
Luckily, there's a better way to manage your nerves. Don't let those thoughts take over your brain. Don't try to stuff them down. Instead, pour them out. Get those negative thoughts out of your head.
You may write them in a journal, you may vent to a friend, you can even talk to yourself in the mirror. Whatever helps you remove negativity from your brain.
As soon as they're outside your head, you'll realize something: those fears, doubts, and worries aren't all that bad. You'll realize how ridiculous they sound, and you'll begin moving forward.
Number Nine: Material Happiness
What gives your life meaning? It's not the car you drive, it's not the size of your house. It's the people that love you, support you, and encourage you. It's the experiences that shape you and the passions that inspire you.
So don't think of your life in terms of what you own. Don't put a dollar sign on your self-worth. Instead, make an effort to discover meaning elsewhere. Form new relationships, expand your horizons, dive deeper into your interests.
Money can buy you a lot of things, but happiness isn't one of them.
Key Points and Resources
| Habit | Impact | Solution |
|---|---|---|
| Personal Skewing | Creates anger and insecurity | Remember it's not about you |
| The Puppet Master | Hurts relationships and self | Let people manage their own lives |
| Emotional Explosions | Causes regret | Take a moment to think |
| Blinding Comparisons | Undermines your strengths | Focus on your unique gifts |
| The Dream Life | Leads to inaction | Turn dreams into reality with action |
| Destructive Models | Leads to jealousy and dissatisfaction | Choose inspiring role models |
| Breaking the Bank | Creates a destructive craving | Shop as a reward, not a habit |
| Flying Overboard | Leads to over-commitment | Set boundaries and deadlines |
| Toxic Patterns | Ruin mental peace | Express thoughts and move forward |
| Material Happiness | Undermines true meaning | Find meaning in experiences |
